i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
