Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
