I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
