I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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