my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
