My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
