Im at strip club and am horny
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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