I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
