fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
