i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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