i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
