dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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