Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he was CRYING into my vagina
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
