I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize