Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
