just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
