Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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