It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
