Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
