can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
