I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
