sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
