My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
