we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
