I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
