I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
