Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
