Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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