I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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