Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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