I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
