There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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