I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
