I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
