I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
