That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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