Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
