He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
