Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
