dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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