i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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