We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
