Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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