So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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