just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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