I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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