my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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