Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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