it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
