Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
