he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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