When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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