Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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