im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my fart just growled at me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
