He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
organizing the empties. That sober.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
