she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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