You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
