News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
